i already hear my dad disowning me
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
