my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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