Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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