I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
You smell like stripper and shame
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
