how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
