why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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