nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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