Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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