I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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