Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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