so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
