I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
