You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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