today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
