I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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