The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
