I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
