you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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