bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
