Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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