If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
