I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
