That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
