Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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