My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
