so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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