spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
