I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
