have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I haven't been this sober since birth.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
