The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
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