If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
