Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
She needs sedatives and a leash
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
