Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
