I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
