You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
