My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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