Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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