Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
