I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
