I can text with my tongue
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
