So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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