This dress was meant to end up on your floor
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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