Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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