i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
