you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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