Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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