I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
