Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
