went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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