i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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