I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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