I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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