Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
