UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
