Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He better not be in your backpack
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Dicks are not precious.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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