Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
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