Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
