My liver just broke up with me...
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
