I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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