I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
